I originally wrote this post just over 6 months ago on a previous blog, and came across it whilst looking for some work to re-post while I do some ‘behind the scenes’ work on this new space. Funny, very little has changed in the last 6 months, and what I wrote still reflects where I am right now.
I read a lot. Not as much as I used to (i.e. before kids. And knitting.), but still a lot. Blogs, books, magazines (IRL and online), e-mail, newlsetters, general miscellaneous. So I take in a lot of information, and am still constantly surprised by how God uses what I read to speak to me at certain times in my life.
Now would be one of those times.
When I started this blog (a whole two posts ago), I wrote about how I’m trying to work out who I am (oh dear, yes, I get how pretentious that sounds…). I’m figuring that I’m on the right track with exploring this path, because over the last few days, it seems that everything I’ve read has been bringing my focus back to this journey. Nothing more so than Emily Freeman’s e-mail newsletter that landed in my inbox today (if there’s one thing I would encourage you to do today, it’s to go and meet Emily. And sign up for her newsletter, I promise you won’t be disappointed!).
Emily recounts a story of going to a mall and having to work out where she was, which meant going to a map and looking for the red dot on the map that tells you where you are. She then goes on to talk about an experience of having to introduce herself at a retreat, and being instructed to ‘share your red dot’. Where she was right there and then – not her past, and not her future. Her present.
In trying to work out what to do, to work out where to go, I haven’t stopped to see where I am.
Where my red dot is, right now.
I keep reflecting on where I’ve come from, and setting goals of where I want to go – all good exercises in seeking God and His purpose for me, but how do I move forward if I don’t know where I’m planted right now?
There’s an ever-present longing.
I want to cry, but I can’t.
I’ve become so good at managing and containing my emotions (i.e. not letting them out), that I can’t even feel the fullness of the joy and gratitude I’m living right now.
God has answered my longest, most desired prayer in the fullness that He promised, and it still feels like something’s missing.
My house and daily life is a mess.
I feel like I’m constantly playing catch up at home and at work.
I’m re-evaluating my priorities with my time committments, and making some hard choices.
I am blessed beyond measure.
There is so much I want to write right now to temper what I’ve said, to balance what I’ve written with the positive take on things, and it’s really hard for me not to, because all that above? Feels so whingy and whiny, but it’s where I am right now.
Maybe it is whingy and whiny. And selfish. And self-indulgent.
Even so, it’s honest, it’s me and my life right now, and might be the most truthful thing I’ve written in a while.
I’ve been encouraged by these ladies and their honesty in the last few days (and weeks), and I know I’m not on my own in this time of life. Not in my real life, or in my online life. I have been so encouraged – and challenged – by reading words that come from a real person’s heart, and grateful that they have had the courage to share, to lay their words bare for me to be blessed by.
I had the absolute joy to take part in a live Influence Network class today, hosted by the beautiful Ellen Parker (being home sick has to bring *some* joy, surely!!) My participation was somewhat fragmented, as my internet connection dropped in and out, but I was so filled with joy and encouragement by Ellen’s teaching and the other ladies, and I was reminded, yet again, just how much God has created us to share, to teach and to connect. To think and explore, and to dwell.
I am here. Wherever ‘here’ is. And I will be content in the knowledge that here is where I’m supposed to be (somebody please remind me of that when I get all whiny again…….)