I have lived the vast majority of my life in fear.
Fear of failure.
Fear of getting it wrong.
Fear it won’t be perfect.
Fear of disappointing someone.
Fear of offending someone.
Fear of conflict.
Fear of never being good enough.
Fear of not having enough.
Fear of not having control.
I could go on, and on, and on, but I think you get the idea.
It’s taken me until I’m 37.5 years old to truly realise that every area of my life has been shrouded in this cloak of heaviness, greyness, despair and hopelessness, to varying degrees, just subtle enough for me to not really recognise it for what it was.
But now, this year ahead, and for as long as I have left here on this earth? No more.
No more letting fear stop me from doing what I was created to do, distracting me from my purpose and convincing me that I’m not enough.
I’m not under any illusion that there won’t be times when I will be afraid, but I don’t have to make choices out of fear. I’ve known this intellectually for a long time, but it’s only now that that head knowledge has filtered down into my heart and soul.
And it comes from knowing that I am loved. Wholly, truly, completely, wildly and unashamedly loved.
It’s time to start living in the truth, and not in fear.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson
One of the biggest frustrations I’ve had with myself in my life is my lack of discipline and following through with goals I’ve set and intentions I’ve had. Virtually every time I’ve failed at something, it’s been because I’ve given up when it got too hard. My inner spoiled brat would throw a tantrum and whine and cry and I’d give in and give up. Funny, I don’t do that with my own kids, and yet my inner brat gets the better of me nearly every time.
Baby’s now being put in the corner.
2013 ended on a great note in regards to goal-setting and achieving, in that I completed my first Whole 30 program, and completed a 6.8km local fun run (the longest distance I’ve ever run). It took me four goes to stick to and complete the Whole 30, and there were so many times I wanted to give up during training for the fun run. But I didn’t, and that sense of achievement that came from following through on both goals was amazing.
So I’m taking that into 2014 with a new mindset – a very intentional one, as I know that long held self-beliefs and habits and ways of doing things take time to change. But the old has gone, and the new has come, and I’m choosing new.
I had the absolute pleasure of seeing Paul Colman live at the end of 2012, where he sang a beautiful Irish ‘drinking song’ that he had written, ‘The Best Is Yet To Come’. It’s become one of my theme songs for 2014, I’m saying ‘here’s to the failures we’re leaving behind, cheers to the future, ’cause it’s just begun, and the best is yet to come’.
Tell me, what is going to make 201 your best year yet?