Well hello there. Yes, it’s been a while – I really didn’t mean to be gone for so long, life truly turned the dial up and turned everything inside out and upside down for the last few months, and essentially I’ve been in survival mode. Which means expending energy on the bare essentials, and not much else. And in the interest of being completely honest and transparent, I fell into old habits of using food as comfort and not being as focused on and disciplined with budgeting and spending money as I declared I would be back at the beginning of the year.
I took the above picture on my 39th birthday last week, on a day when I was hoping to see the sun rise on the beginning of my 40th year of living this crazy beautiful life of mine, and instead I was enveloped in a world cloaked in thick fog. This was actually perfect, as it reflected how I’ve felt for the last 6 months or so, and reminded me that despite what I can or can’t see around me, no matter how far ahead I can see the path in front of me or not, God knows where I’m going, the plans He as for me, and all I need to see is far enough ahead for just the next step.
Whilst there have been some days where I’ve longed to just be able to step out of whatever I’ve had to be dealing with and pretend life is all hunky dory, I have been blessed with moments of crystal clear clarity and insight into human nature – mine and others – that have allowed me to grow deeper in my relationship with God and my understanding of my own self, how I’ve come to think and believe and respond to all that life brings, and I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. I haven’t been proud of some of the choices I’ve made when it comes to day-to-day coping, old habits are hard to break and I’m learning that change truly does come one choice at a time.
I am very pleased to be able to report that things are looking much brighter on the financial front, in the months since my previous post I’ve managed to pay down a significant amount of my debt – as well as accrue some more chunky bills along the way (not to self and everyone else, make sure you have ambulance cover!! And don’t speed on the way to the hospital, especially when there’s a police car on the side of the road…..)!!! Fortunately I have had plenty of work to cover it all and more, and I’ve started a new job at my local hospital, back to working a 7-day roster and loving every minute of it. I’ve been able to start my Baby Emergency Fund, and should have this finished soon, then I can really start throwing everything I can at my Debt Snowball. Does it sound strange to say that I’m really excited about this, that having had a taste of paying off some of my smaller debts already has left me wanting to more, to pay off everything else as quickly as I possibly can? The debt mountain doesn’t seem as scary as it used to, it’s still huge and looming large in my vision, but I no longer feel any fear about how to tackle it. One bill, one debt at a time, one day a time, that’s all I can do, and I’m content with that.
The start of this second half of the year feels like a fresh start again, a chance to make different choices and learn to live fully into all that God as prepared for me. Life continues to unfold before me in ways I can’t imagine at times, and all I can do is stop, breathe, and trust God to see far enough ahead for just the next step.