And then

8 years ago today was the start of a major turning point in my life, and I had no idea at the time – I hurt my back at work, and it was an incident that changed my life and the course of it forever.  There was no way I could have predicted that a seemingly innocuous incident would be the catalyst for a huge growth period in my life, and despite the fact that much pain has been involved, it is something for which I am grateful.

Fast forward to today, and I’m standing at the fork in the road again, only this time fully aware of my surroundings.  Today is a day that I will be able to mark as one of the points in time, in life, where you feel the change that needs to take place, you see the choices of paths ahead and you know with absolute certainty which one you want to take.

Naturally, well for me anyway, it’s not the one that looks the most cruisy.

I woke up this morning with a headache, achy joints, grumbling tummy and an emotional heaviness that I dragged around, as a result of eating the wrong foods and having made some not-so-great choices recently.  And I nearly cried with despair at the thought of facing another day feeling like this, the regret and remorse of making the same choices over and over out of reaction to my circumstances, despite so many committed vows to change and do better.  I’d had enough.

More than enough.

So I texted my friend, my accountability partner, and told her that the time for change is now, and gave her a list of what I was committing to – starting with moving each day, just doing something for 10 minutes.  Eating real food and not junk. Going to bed by 9:30. Spending only what I need to. Studying more than reading (non-study) books. Working on a house project each week/month. Scheduled quiet time each day.  It’s in these places I continually make the choices that give me instant gratification, as opposed to what I actually need, and it shows.

This is nothing new, I’ve been here before, sooooo many times, I’ve even said how much I know this time I will really change, I will really do better, I know how important it is yada yada yada.  I’m struggling to convince myself that now is any different.  I just know it has to be – I’m on the cusp of turning 40, and I’ve spent most of my 30s saying ‘today is the day’, and yet here I still am. I have a wonderful life that is so richly blessed, and I don’t feel like I do it justice because of the choices that I make – not the big ones, those I do pretty well.  It’s the little every day things that keep me small in my comfort zone, and I’m tired of being there.  It’s not a healthy place to be, and I just want to live well.  Wholeheartedly. Fully alive and present right where I am, not where I think I need to be.

So I will.

 

 

 

Advertisements