It’s 3:50 AM and I give up. Apparently my body’s switched over to night-shift mode even though I’m nowhere near work, yet the last 5.5 hours of trying to get to sleep have been completely and utterly pointless, so I’m giving in and getting several hours worth of words out of my head. The irony of this right now? I’m managing a relapse of fatigue symptoms and can’t do much more that the basic daily necessities, resting and sleeping during the day as I need to, and yet tonight I can’t shut down to get the deep, restorative rest I so desperately need.
It’s funny, this time in the cycle of the day, a time I’m usually unaware of as my brain and body go into rest mode between the what was of yesterday and what will be of tomorrow. A time when the doing of life pauses and the simply being takes over, no awareness or processing of my surroundings required, nothing expected of me except to just be still and let go.
My whole life is in that state of in-between right now, a time between what was and what will be, I’m waiting in the pause and trying to be still and let go of the doing, to focus on just being in this moment, however long it lasts. And ohhhh, my goodness, it is hard, so hard, to settle into the waiting and trust God that it will all be ok. I know that to be completely true in my head, but a lifetime of planning for the what ifs and reacting to things happening out of my control and waiting for the next crisis to have to deal with has left me with deeply entrenched reactions and coping strategies that really aren’t helpful. I am leaning into God and consciously trusting that His plans for me are only for good, to give me hope and a future, but when it gets hard and hurting I keep trying to take back the control and do things my way, despite knowing how that usually ends (spoiler alert: not well).
So here I am, in the midnight, in the waiting, both literally and figuratively, still trying to make things happen my way, and I give in. The only way through now is stillness, releasing what was never meant for me to hold on to and embracing the grace and hope and healing I find in my God, who loves me with an everlasting love.
Now it’s time to rest.