I am here

 

I originally wrote this post just over 6 months ago on a previous blog, and came across it whilst looking for some work to re-post while I do some ‘behind the scenes’ work on this new space.  Funny, very little has changed in the last 6 months, and what I wrote still reflects where I am right now.

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I read a lot.  Not as much as I used to (i.e. before kids.  And knitting.), but still a lot.  Blogs, books, magazines (IRL and online), e-mail, newlsetters, general miscellaneous.  So I take in a lot of information, and am still constantly surprised by how God uses what I read to speak to me at certain times in my life.

Now would be one of those times.

When I started this blog (a whole two posts ago), I wrote about how I’m trying to work out who I am (oh dear, yes, I get how pretentious that sounds…).  I’m figuring that I’m on the right track with exploring this path, because over the last few days, it seems that everything I’ve read has been bringing my focus back to this journey.  Nothing more so than Emily Freeman’s e-mail newsletter that landed in my inbox today (if there’s one thing I would encourage you to do today, it’s to go and meet Emily.  And sign up for her newsletter, I promise you won’t be disappointed!).

Emily recounts a story of going to a mall and having to work out where she was, which meant going to a map and looking for the red dot on the map that tells you where you are.  She then goes on to talk about an experience of having to introduce herself at a retreat, and being instructed to ‘share your red dot’.  Where she was right there and then – not her past, and not her future.  Her present.

In trying to work out what to do, to work out where to go, I haven’t stopped to see where I am.

Where my red dot is, right now.

I keep reflecting on where I’ve come from, and setting goals of where I want to go – all good exercises in seeking God and His purpose for me, but how do I move forward if I don’t know where I’m planted right now?

Huh.

Right now?

I’m tired.

There’s an ever-present longing.

I want to cry, but I can’t.

I’ve become so good at managing and containing my emotions (i.e. not letting them out), that I can’t even feel the fullness of the joy and gratitude I’m living right now.

God has answered my longest, most desired prayer in the fullness that He promised, and it still feels like something’s missing.

My house and daily life is a mess.

I feel like I’m constantly playing catch up at home and at work.

I’m re-evaluating my priorities with my time committments, and making some hard choices.

I am blessed beyond measure.

There is so much I want to write right now to temper what I’ve said, to balance what I’ve written with the positive take on things, and it’s really hard for me not to, because all that above?  Feels so whingy and whiny, but it’s where I am right now.

Maybe it is whingy and whiny.  And selfish.  And self-indulgent.

Even so, it’s honest, it’s me and my life right now, and might be the most truthful thing I’ve written in a while.

I’ve been encouraged by these ladies and their honesty in the last few days (and weeks), and I know I’m not on my own in this time of life.  Not in my real life, or in my online life.  I have been so encouraged – and challenged – by reading words that come from a real person’s heart, and grateful that they have had the courage to share, to lay their words bare for me to be blessed by.

I had the absolute joy to take part in a live Influence Network class today, hosted by the beautiful Ellen Parker (being home sick has to bring *some* joy, surely!!)  My participation was somewhat fragmented, as my internet connection dropped in and out, but I was so filled with joy and encouragement by Ellen’s teaching and the other ladies, and I was reminded, yet again, just how much God has created us to share, to teach and to connect.  To think and explore, and to dwell.

I am here.  Wherever ‘here’ is.  And I will be content in the knowledge that here is where I’m supposed to be (somebody please remind me of that when I get all whiny again…….)

Day 30: Love wins. Every time.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be cancelled. (1 Corinthians 13:8-10, The Message)

Love never fails.

Not now, not ever.

In the end, when this world as we know it is gone and we are living in the heavenly realms with the One who is love, it is love that will endure, not any spiritual giftings or anything else.

But for now, it is love that keeps going, love that never gives up, never gives in, never fails us.

When we choose to love, we are choosing victory and triumph over despair and hopelessness.  I know this, because I chose love, even when it seemed impossible, and He who is love defined made the way for the impossible to become so very real.

My husband and I are living proof that love never dies, love always wins, despite how things may appear at times.  Love changes, yes, and there are peaks and troughs and ebbs and flows, but it is always living and breathing within us.  And that’s because God is love, and whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them (1 John 4: 16).

I’ll leave you with this song that speaks so beautifully of this truth – love never fails, God never fails, even when we do.

Day 8: The story of us (Part 2) – Love is patient.

After I left my husband, we went through a lengthy court case to settle the ongoing care of the kids and property, the usual procedure here in Australia, but something I didn’t expect to happen.  We were both wounded and hurting, unable to communicate with each other, and the whole procedure was painful and devastating.  We eventually came to an agreement on all counts, and the kids continued in the routine that we had all settled into.

Soon after we finished in court, I applied for a divorce, an astonishingly simple procedure, and after a phone link-up with the Family Law Court, our marriage was declared null and void, with no objections voiced by anyone.  I was surprised by my reaction to all this, how my heart hurt and I cried for a long time after I hung up the phone.  I had thought that this was just another inevitable step in the procedure, that I was finished with pain and heartache, and that now I could move on with my life – whatever that meant.  I didn’t expect the deep ache I felt inside, knowing that what had once been my dream had been declared effectively dead by someone in a courtroom a long way away.

Eventually, as it always did, the hurt diminished, and I began to look with hope toward the future for my heart, assuming that I would one day begin a new relationship, one that I pictured would be better than my first marriage.  I had already started a nursing degree, and was excited at the prospect of becoming a midwife (as was my dream) once I finished my study.

It wasn’t long after our divorce was finalised, about 2 months or so, that through a series of events I found myself coming to know Jesus as very real in my life, and I surrendered myself to His love in March 2006.  It was another completely unexpected turn of events in my life, especially for a girl who thought she had God all figured out.  My coming to faith was the first step for me in seeing Him rebuild our marriage, although I had no idea that that was His plan then.

But He didn’t take long to let me know what He had in mind.  A few months after coming to faith, I was sitting at a friend’s kitchen table, venting about a particularly frustrating time I was going through with my ex-husband.  As I was explaining the situation to her, a thought came to my mind – no, a directive – one that took me completely by surprise and left me wondering where on earth it came from.

In a moment when I was wondering how long I would have to keep going through the difficulty of raising kids in a divorced family, God told me to pray for the restoration of our marriage.

Yep.  God told me to pray to be married again to a man I didn’t want to have anything to do with, but would have to for the rest of my life because of our children.  I didn’t even really know then what it was to hear God speak, but I had a crash course in hearing God that day.  And it was no whisper.

After I responded ‘You’ve got to be kidding me, no way am I doing that, I don’t want to be married to him again!!’, I knew I couldn’t be completely disobedient, so I quickly prayed ‘Fine, Lord, if that’s what You really want, I pray that eventually our marriage will be restored’, and promptly resolved to never think of this curious little exchange again.

I couldn’t have had any idea on that day in June 2006, 13 years after I told the boy I loved that I would wait for him, that I was starting a new journey in waiting, one that would take a lot longer than a few days this time.  7 years later, I know that was the beginning of my lesson in patience, in learning what it is to be patient.

Tomorrow we’ll explore the definitions of patience, but for now, what has been one of your life-lessons in learning to be patient?  Big or small, extraordinary or mundane, share in the comments below how you’ve come to know this lesson of love.

To catch up on our story, follow the links below:

Introduction

The story of us (Part 1)